Tch’ri and Dugllg watched as Lirrip was pushing his food aimlessly around his plate.
“What’s the matter, Lirrip?” Tch’ri asked, “No appetite today?”
He shook his head. “No, that’s not it. It’s just, well, even with the updated protein-sequencers, something still isn’t right. I mean, the flavour is almost there, and the texture isn’t far off, but it’s still a long shot compared to what I had from home.”
Tch’ri tilted Xem head.
“As far as I’m aware, they can replicate everything perfectly, once they’ve had the instructions on how to make it, can’t they?”
“Theoretically, sure, they can. But I think it might depend on the quality of the instructions, or the ‘recipe’ I guess. Don’t any of you feel like the food here is missing something compared to home?”
Dugllg, chowing down on his bowl of indeterminate protein, simply shrugged.
“Naw. Korlags never really developed taste receptors, just a keen sense of smell. Structure, that’s all we can taste. This isn’t too bad though. A little chewier than back home, but I actually like it this way. Although it’d be better if it were still wriggling.”
“Did you know, most of the technology used in the Alliance concerning the protein-sequencers came from Xem.” Tch’ri said, hastily changing the topic away from moving food.
“We’ve been using them for several centuries, trying to improve upon them whenever we can. The current version on this ship is a combined effort from Xem and Lindarrans, and I think it actually turned out better than the versions Xem have. The structure of foodstuffs has improved significantly.”
“I don’t know,” Geoff spoke up. “They do a pretty decent beef stroganoff. Which is doubly impressive because cows died out almost two centuries ago!”
“Then how do you know that it’s ‘beef’ stroganoff, hmm?” Dugglg asked with a smirk.
“For all you know, it’s ‘Terran’ stroganoff! Hah!”
“Oh no, I don’t think so. Terrans taste like chicken, or so they say. I think I remember having chicken when I was young, before the Third Avian Plague killed the last of them.”
“Chickens” Tch’ri asked, “Those are a flying species, aren’t they? That’s so interesting, Xem don’t have any native flying creatures.”
“They used to be,” Geoff said, “but I think we bred that out of them. More meat means harder to fly, I guess. There were plenty of flying creatures on Terra though. We had hundreds of different birds, we had all kinds of flying insects, butterflies, all sorts of things. At least, that’s what we were told in school. Most of those are gone now.”
Tch’ri looked inquisitively at Geoff.
“If the beefs and chickens went extinct, then what was your main food source? Terrans didn’t have protein-sequencers until they joined The Alliance, right?”
“Cows, you mean. Not beefs. Yeah, we had to rely on a mainly plant-based diet when a lot of animals went extinct, but Terra couldn’t sustain so many people that way. That’s when we started breeding insec- eh, a different protein source.”
“You have mentioned insects before. What are they? There’s no mention of those in Xemhive.” Tch’ri asked.
“It, well, that’s probably because it may seem, ah, offensive to Xem. Insects were an important food source for Terrans, basically the only non-vegetable protein we could breed in massive quantities without ruining Terra any further. Thing is, err, those insects are six-legged invertebrates with a chitin exoskeleton. Which is not quite dissimilar to Xem. That’s probably why it wasn’t brought up before.”
Tch’ri chuckled to Xemself, seeing how Geoff was starting to sweat.
“According to Xemhive, you have something called ‘arachnids’, yes?”
“We do, those bitey fuckers have survived better than most species.”
“Well, Xem are closer to arachnids than insectoids, if I’m not mistaken. After all, we have four legs and four arms, and we are top predators on Xem. Very much unlike insects. So we won’t be offended when you talk about eating insects. After all, you’ve not eaten Xem, as far as Xem are aware. Just don’t call us, what was it, ‘bitey fuckers’, okay?”
Geoff blushed, not knowing where to look, as Lirrip quietly giggled into his food.
“Come to think of it,” Tch’ri continued, “before Xem hunted it to extinction, there was this particularly tasty tree-dwelling mammal on Xem. It was one of the few species with an endoskeleton, with six legs and barely any hair on its body.”
Tch’ri thought to Xemself for a second.
“Actually, it looks a remarkable lot like infant Terrans. But with six arms, of course. Lirrip, would you mind looking up a holo? You know how much I hate fiddling with the holo controls. It was called a ‘Crrst’, after the sound it makes when you crack through those delicious bones.”
Geoff was becoming increasingly uncomfortable, which only got worse when Lirrip produced a small holo image on their table. The Crrst did in fact look quite a lot like a very small human child, but with a much smaller head and the aforementioned six legs.
“Tch’ri? Please tell me you’ve never eaten a human baby?”
“Not that Xem are aware of. Yet.”
Tch’ri tried to wink at Geoff, a very Terran gesture that was fully lost on such an alien physique.
“I think I’ve lost my appetite”, Geoff said, as he stood up.
“See you next shift, and enjoy your meal.”
Tch’ri and Lirrip watched Geoff walk out of the mess hall, while Dugglg burst out in his loud-bellied laugh.
“Bet he’ll be a whole lot more careful around Xem for a while!”
Two tables over, Lydia leaned into her brother.
“You want to sequence some durian? See how they like that? Eating Terran babies, that’s disgusting. Those things are almost as vile as durians!”
Brad could barely resist jumping up and running to the protein-sequencer, but managed to restrain himself.
The two of them dug through the enormous Alliance database of foodstuffs, until they found the delicacy.
The moment the sequence was ready, and the hatch opened, the smell spread throughout the mess hall in seconds. It didn’t take long for most Terrans to have fled, gagging and trying not to throw up.
Dugllg and two other Korlags tried to stand up, stumbled, and fell over, passing out on the floor.
Tch’ri was confused to what was happening, as Xem have a very weak sense of smell.
Lirrip, however, had tears flow down his face.
“What in the light is that smell!?” he exclaimed. “It’s the most wonderful thing ever!”
He ran up to Lydia and Brad, who were both holding their noses and breathing through their mouths, their eyes watering because even that doesn’t save one from the pungent odour from the durian.
“Dif? Dif if a duwian, an old Terran fruit. It’f banned in moft countrief.”
Lirrip was hopping from one foot to another.
“Please! Let me try some!”
The twins looked at one another, and shrugged. “Have at it, it’f yourf.”
Lirrip immediately chomped down on the durian, almost in tears.
“Thank you so much,” he mumbled between mouthfuls, “this is the best thing I’ve ever tasted!”
The twins hurried out of the mess hall before the smell became too much for them, leaving Lirrip to his meal, Tch’ri in a state of utter confusion, and a few Korlags passed out on the floor.
This was probably going to backfire in a huge way, and they’d rather not stick around to find out how the cacky hit the middens.